Speaking with Love...And Humility?

Educators love being right. We choose education as our career because somewhere along our respective paths, we were conditioned to believe that there is only one right answer. We must fill the empty cup. We must establish values. We must enforce the following of routines and rules. I accept that this is a gross generalization and with the popularity of constructivism in all its many branches on the rise, this once concrete and safe point of view is now in question. And yet, we continue to battle against this invisible feeling of superiority which governs our actions and interactions between students, colleagues, and parents.

I would like to discuss today our interactions with parents. Our students quickly and often seemlessly convert into a profound specie of foster children; we worry about their health, the food they eat, and the things they say. Day after day, we observe Sara, assessing her needs and applauding her achievements. The snowball effect begins. The first week of school Sara comes to school well groomed, well-rested, and well-fed. She begins to make friends although she is very shy. Over the next few weeks, the teacher observes that Sara is more restless, her hair is decidedly more unkempt, and she prefers to play alone at recess. At this point, the expert teacher has three clear options: call the parents to report the observations, continue to observe saying nothing yet, or begin to speculate on possible causes for Sara's changes. For many of us, option three is not an option at all. After all, we know that making assumptions is a masked form of gossiping. So we opt for option one if our personality is straightforward, and option two if we are more cautious.

Two years have passed and Sara is still in the same school. Her early warning signs continue to be present and new ones have been detected. Her situation appears to be deteriorating. Numerous meetings with parents have taken place. Therapy for Sara and parenting courses have been recommended, but in the eyes of the school, "the parents just don't give the right importance to Sara's issues." The reaction and the acussation is done out of love. The people involved in the school are concerned that Sara isn't developing the abilities she needs to be successful in the real world. They feel impotent, powerless to effect change in the family or in Sara. Poor, poor Sara.

Do we really, truly believe that Sara's parents aren't doing the very best they can? Are our egos so inflated as to believe that our priorities are the only priorities that matter? Do we have the blueprint of Sara's purpose here in this life? Sounds harsh, so let's do the math. Five people in the same room are bombarded every second by visual, auditory, and sensory stimuli. Of that bombardment, each person will take in only seven pieces of information, probably not the same seven as any of their peers. Then what the brain of each of these individuals does with those 7 stimuli is equally as unpredictable. This happens every second. At the end of 1 day, each person has taken in 604,800 bits of sensory information. Let's remember that what the brain has done to modify and store each of these bits is imminent and highly unmeasurable to the naked eye of another. These five unsuspecting individuals have each filtered and assimilated a unique combination of stimuli. Considering this, we can reflect back on our egoism and humbly accept that we have no clue as to the motives of others. We can ask questions and form hypothesis, but until we can communicate telepathically without barriers, we are incapable of understanding the complexity of the web of stimuli and experiences that the parent in front of us has used to make the life decisions made. And to complicate matters more, as educators, we only see the effect of the decisions the parents have made. And, you guessed it, our highly superior brain has used all 604, 800 bits of sensory input per day since we were born to interpret that effect. Humbling, no?

As an advocate for change, I would like to commend the caring intentions of the educator who is so concerned with Sara's situation. To care for someone as if they were your own requires an unselfishness that should be celebrated. But accusations are only a verbal form of violence. If we can approach each parent truly without judgement, present observable facts (our interpretations of the observed!), and listen to the priorities of the number one caregiver, I believe that we, as educators, can be of a much greater service to our community of students and parents alike. No two people are alike. It stands to reason that there is not only one solution and most definitely there is not a best solution. So the next time you feel the itch to berate or accuse a parent of not doing their best for their child, humbly remind your inner teacher that love has an infinite number of faces.

For those interested in human development on the individual as well as the global level, I recommend Executive Success Programs, Inc. by Keith Raniere.

Helping Children Find Passion

I hate school! I hate my math teacher! He doesn't even know how to teach trigonometry!

Translation: I am afraid I am not good enough! I am afraid that someone might realize that and judge me! I am afraid that this somehow changes who I am inside!

"Where does that come from? I always tell my child how bright he is. He knows what a valuable person he is." Sounds familiar. We are so conditioned to believe that this is what all teenagers go through that our hand in it is forgotten. We unknowingly raise children to fear thus extinguishing true passion.

Passion.

-Intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction.
-A strong liking or desire for or devotion to some object, activity, or concept.
(Mirriam-Webster.com)

Jump up and down and dance around if you feel a passion for your current job. Yell out "Hoorah!" if your passion for someone or something is unbridled. My guess is that many of us just stared at the screen thinking, "She's not serious." We live in a society filled with "do"s and "don't"s. They fill our every waking moment and we let them control every decision. What are we afraid of? Most of us are afriad of not having enough. Enough money, enough control, enough happiness, enough vacation time, enough love, enough, enough, enough. ENOUGH!!! This is the message we are sending to our youth. Don't do that, or you won't have enough money. Don't say that, or you won't get enough respect. Don't act like that, or you won't have enough love.

All of the amazing qualities we are born with, innate to the human condition, are slowly simmered down to nothingness. The curiosity of the two year old as she shakes the salt and pepper all over the restaurant table trying to figure out there really is something in there is halted by the disapproving glare of her parents. As the teacher tells little Suzie that her house drawing should have four walls, not three, the confidence seeps out to be replaced with fear of being wrong. Tolerance for every person, despite age, color, sex, or capability shines so brightly in the very young until mom or dad make a slip of the tongue innocently stating that boys are stronger than girls.

Curiosity, confidence, and tolerance are but three of the wonderful qualities that our children bring into this world. All of these beautiful gifts to the world are passion. Children are open to see the world for what it could be, which is liberating. Sometime soon, we will begin to raise generations breaking free of our constraints of fear. And then we will see passion all around us, flourishing.

Until then, we will continue to see youth filled with passion, but a passion to strike back at the world that has placed so many barriers. Their words will be filled with messages of hate from fear and lack of self-confidence. A fear that they were not born with. A fear that we instilled in each of them. Perhaps it is true that love and respect teaches more life lessons than rules and punishments. Perhaps celebrating our child's unique way of looking at a world governed by perceptions can lead us to a new era of love and understanding.

Educating Through Limits

No. No. NO. NO-OH. I said, "NO!"
The toddler precariously sways back and forth as his attention is drawn to the colorful collection of turtles that his mother keeps so lovingly arranged on the shelves near the front door. His mother glances sideways, her eyes leaving her work. The first no is just a small warning earning her a mischievous I love you, Mommy look. She continues to watch him over the top of her computer with a tug of impatience. Turtle, he exclaims as his hand flies out to indicate his precious discovery. Overreacting, she jumps up from the table knocking over the glass of water that had been within arms length, and reminds him more forecefully, No. The commotion caused by the banging of the table and the glass distract the young boy for a moment, long enough for Mom to survey the mess. At least the computer was not in the path of the water, but her annoyance level has definitely gone up. As Mommy goes to get a paper towel to pick up the spill, she looks at her little cherub and wags her finger at the turtles as she looks him in the eyes saying, No-oh. Of course, the inevitable happens. Just as she arrives to the kitchen counter, she hears the unmistakable sound of breaking ceramic. She rolls her eyes, takes a deep breath, scurries back to the living room and raising her voice exclaims, "I said, NO!"

This was me 8 and half years ago. The funny part is that many of the adults around me continued for many years to proclaim me a wonderful mother because my children knew how to "behave." I am convinced that I was doing the best I could at the moment, but I have continued learning ad studying. I have begun to change my defintion of "behave" to incorporate curiosity, autonomy, questioning, and finding solutions. As you can imagine, that often leads to children who "misbehave" all over the place. They touch things in the grocery store, they make mixtures and messes to find new smells, they question adults reasoning, and they take apart and put things together reaching conclusions that may not be correct in an adult's eyes. They waste time and never move quite fast enough for the adults in their life, but they are wise. They understand that it is okay to have an opinion and support it, to ask for a reason when asked to do something they may not agree with, to make a mess as long as it is cleaned up, and to demand equal treatment.

I am entering into the realm of "misbehavior" and propose that our current definition of behavior ("to have or bear oneself in a particular way, comport"- Online Etymology Dictionary) needs to be debated upon in the hopes that this word can hold a meaning that encompasses both the emotional intelligence and intrinsic curiosity of our children as pointed out by Jerome Bruner and John D. Mayer. As uncomfortable as it is for the mothers and fathers who were raised with strict rules as to the proper way to behave to allow the children of the new generation to explore their potential and to grow under supreme self confidence, we must make the effort. Yes leads to openness. Yes leads to possibilities. Yes leads to joy. Whereas, no leads only to limitations, closedmindedness, and boredom.

In the end, the question remains, and what would happen if we said, "YES!"?